Football is fast approaching and with it comes the start of a new fantasy football season. Fantasy Football has become a vital part of Americana, but it finds itself in serious danger of collapse because some teams end up winners every year while other teams turn out to be perpetual losers. There is just too much at stake to let Fantasy Football go “bankrupt”. A comprehensive plan is essential to all Americans. So, I donned my best pair of “mom” jeans and thought, “What Would Obama Do?”
First, we have to understand that the current Fantasy Football system doesn’t work. The failed policies of the past eight years are what got us into this mess. We can’t just keep doing the same old things and expect change. That is why I am proposing the Fantasy Football Reinvestment & Recovery Act of 2009.
Under my plan, we must invest billions of dollars to bail out NFL football teams. If football goes under we will never be able to save fantasy football. Football was invented in America and it is only right that we should have the best football industry in the world. We will create a Department of Fantasy Football and assign a Fantasy Czar to oversee its activities. Even though they will be operating on public financing, it will still be OK for players, coaches and general managers to receive huge bonuses during the season, even if their team has a loosing record or they have poor fantasy numbers, however, bonuses will require approval of the Fantasy Czar.
Next, we must jump start our fantasy leagues. We will spend trillions of dollars to create and save fantasy jobs and turn around this fantasy recession. At the same time we will invest in the infrastructure and sustainability of fantasy football. This broad legislation will touch every aspect of fantasy football from media coverage to resurfacing of playing fields, from automation of records to “green” initiatives in fantasy football.
Because we want to ensure that new fantasy player’s are enjoying the rewards of participation, my plan will provide an $8,000 refundable tax credit for first time fantasy players. My plan also recognizes the need to get non-efficient players off the fantasy roster and replace them with newer, more efficient players. While many leagues operate with a "no-cut list", my “Cash for Fantasy Clunkers” program will allow for a $4,500 rebate toward the purchase of a new, more efficient player when they trade in their old inefficient player.
We must ensure that every American has weak fantasy competition. Under my plan, leagues will provide universal weak competition for every player. No player can be denied weak competition based upon a pre-existing condition. If you loose your job, you will still be able to keep your weak fantasy competition. However, no one will be forced to change leagues. If you are happy with your current fantasy provider, you will not be forced to change.
The fantasy point out put of all fantasy teams will be capped. Should a fantasy team exceed their fantasy outputs then they will be required to purchase credits, at auction, for those outputs. Those teams that do not use all their fantasy output credits will be allowed to sell them back to the league to be auctioned off.
My plan will be paid for by extensive borrowing, by raising taxes on winning fantasy players, and by reducing benefits paid to fantasy players over 65. If we have to, we will print fantasy money. The end result will be a much more socialistic, uhm, I mean, equitable fantasy experience for all involved.
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